Today I Managed living well, i Found joy in Life, I Talked to Lots of people, I even managed to smalltalk, but then everyone watched a movie and there were lots if snacks and I thought whatever, I'm healthy, I can eat.
Stupid, I couldnt stop, felt guilty and gross, went to my room and ate an entire bar of chocolate while watching gossip girl and now I don't care about anything anymore. I'm totally apathetic and I hate myself and I hate living, it's stupid. I wish I didn't have to eat.
The thing is that I had depression a year or two ago, then i started trying to get out of it on my own by "thinking" my way out of it, just trying hard, and i also started eating as a way to comfort myself... I guess superficially it looked like I had gotten better because I was "living" again...
Now i realize that I have only been forcing myself to live, to keep moving, and numbing myself with food when i couldn't do so anymore. Looking back I have never been healthy and normal, I have always had ups and crashes, always new ideas of how to live, but I'm sick of deceiving and numbing myself, I feel like I'm only covering it all up.
I'm going cold turkey on everything that numbs any depression I might have. I'm gonna stop eating any snacks, stop drinking too much coffee, stop watching any movies, stop overeating (only one serving per meal) stop feeling guilty about not being happy, stop forcing myself to live, to talk... Im just gonna surrender and see what happens. maybe i have to get back to the roots to get out of it?
I used to be scared of disappointing my parents, my friends, of being judged, but now I've gotten to a point where I don't care anymore because I just want to be healthy for real and i want to know who i really am, not the person i am supposed to be.
I dont care anymore about being judged by anyone, if i have a depression then its not my fault. I dont care about fulfilling the requirements of my society: being outgoing, being beautiful, being lovable, nice, happy, talkative, full of life, optimistic. because i am not and i cant force it anymore, and doing so doesnt even reward me with anything and its not real. so starting now i wont care anymore about what everyone thinks. i dont even want to talk to anyone anymore because nobody understands.
I don't know what I will do with all my free time, but I think I will just take lots of walks alone, draw, pray, cry... I feel like if i didnt numb myself I could probably just cry for hours...
since i will have a really clear mind from now on and lots of time to spend on everything else, i will posts honestly what i feel in here... i hope somebody is reading this who will not judge me... who will maybe understand.
I don't know what will happen but I know this constant numbing isn't getting me anywhere and I don't want this anymore. I would rather cut myself. I have actually thought about it, but i guess its kind of the same thing and its harder to keep secret... I hate this :(
